embracing_calm

I love this platform.

2026-04-17T14:21:07Z

I can type for however long I want here. Do you know how much of a gift that is? Look, I double spaced and I don’t need to fret about it. There is no word count rapidly clicking down pushing me to think shorter, more efficiently, more uspeak… b/c instead of because, one fewer space after a period, the smaller more simplistic word, etc. How awful to have to constantly trim your speech and by extensions, your thoughts in a shallow attempt to fit a box. Also, editing and a built in spellcheck so I don’t have to have two sentence posts filled with autocheck… no algorithm either. So, I am in charge of what I read or do not.

Together, when compared to other social platforms these things almost rise to the point of embracing the dignity of users. it allows us control of our own online experience instead of turning us into a product.

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Imgur’s community sucks

2026-02-23T10:46:05Z

I often want to share photos under a cut or something but my proficiency comes and goes.

So, I attempt, on occasion to keep a slight photo journal on Imgur. Bad idea. Horrible idea. Did you know that those gentleman have systematically cultivated an environment that objectifies women via unofficial rules? Their community rules state outright no suggestive photos it’s within rule 1 and it is never enforced. They also have an unofficial rule of “no selfies”, and themed female objectification days like Tt Tuesday and thigh Thursday in which female imgurians are encouraged to take photos of thier bodies and post them for the pleasure of male users. It doesn’t take a genius to realize this combination of rules and social convention results in a bunch of “sexy” photos of women’s bodies with the head cropped off…. You know… because that’s our fucking level of value to them.to match the theme, anything remotely feminine gets downvoted and sometimes people send death threats. That’s what happened to me this week when I attempted (stupidly as this has happened before) to keep a photo journal there.

I was also harassed about my lifestyle as an artist, house spouse, and person dabbling into non abrahamic religion (apparently the guy who collects videos of neotonized bunny girls thinks all religious people are pedophiles and my mehndi finger caps are proof that I want to inappropriately touch children. Which is clearly a very reasonable stance not borne out of projection at all. *insert eye roll here

All that to say that I may start utilizing this place for that purpose. I’ve become very ostracized and as things get more and more scary I just want to make an effort to make a tiny mark out there, just to say I existed.

Anyway, if you stumbled on my journal and want to add me feel free. I would love to have more contact with other people.

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embracingcalm @ 2026-02-18T11:16:00

2026-02-18T18:17:52Z

Something strange happened to my body about a half an hour ago. I almost fainted I guess. I had been walking my dog who noticed a couple of geese and didn't want to move. I sat and stayed with him for a moment. Then picked him up (he is very wee) to carry him a few feet so we could continue our walk but as I started to stand with him my vision began to strobe. I somehow managed to sit back down for a moment still holding him then tried again and slowly made my way back to my door all the while with everything bright and my point of focus hyper defined.

As soon as I made it in I called out for my husband who came down got me an ice water and escorted me upstairs. I've thrown up once since. My body still feels strange. Everything is still bright. In the moment, I thought I might die, I had a near death experience about 17 years ago now when this started to happen it felt and looked the same, the shuttering of light, the clear cognitive disconnect from... something. My Vessel? I was untethered. I don't think I want to die yet though I am desprately saddened by our collective situation.

I'm going to try to rest. Maybe sleep will help. I feel so strange.

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Goal update: Photograph sunrises

2026-01-12T15:46:40Z

Often in the past when I have made a big list of goals like the one I made for 2026 goals will fall away throughout the year. I have already posted about my decision to forgive making 100 pieces of paper due to a lack of gardening skills in my new climate (100 pieces of paper means quite a lot of plant material). Now I will be adding my sunrise photography goal to the list of abandoned goals.

Let me explain.

i have taken photos of 4 of the 50 something sunrises (the 2026 goal) with my iPhone. I have seen slightly more than 4, I’m not sure how many sunrises I have experienced in 2026. Of the sunrises I have seen this year, the ones I have enjoyed the most are the ones that I was lucky enough to see when my phone was dead or misplaced. It is in no way unusual for me to wake up before dawn and I already love sunrises… real ones. When taking a photo of a sunrise with any modern phone the colors are altered in a way that makes them less subtle and ethereal. it takes on a cooler tone, higher saturation and an enhanced black point. The almost alien or cartoon palette of the photo happens regardless of the setting on my phone and take a significant amount of effort to balance back in an editor. At that point, this goal which was made to ensure I enjoy sunrises throughout the year has actually served to make them less enjoyable and in a way the high saturation photos seem to warp my appreciation for what is in front of me.

I’m not going to count this as a loss… because I never really do. the point of each goal is to teach or reinforce something. this showed me what I largely already knew: it’s difficult to be truly present when staring at a screen.

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embracingcalm @ 2026-01-11T07:32:00

2026-01-11T15:16:53Z

I’m still alive.

I simultaneously have many things to say and absolutely nothing at all. So, I’ll type out the mundane things with the hope that it helps with the things I can’t quite put into words.

I made chocolate chip cookies with a touch of rye flour, hemp seeds and cashews. They’re gone now. They were more oily than normal but still good. Cooking at higher elevation really is different but also… maybe a touch too many fatty seeds and nuts?

I rearranged the orientation of the bed, he moved his macrame hoops onto the wall behind the bed, we put up art, took some down to make room for the tv (which had been in the living room) and hung a couple plants. Two days ago,II checked the craigslist free section and found a bedframe especially made to fit our queen size shikibuton and tatami mats. It’s extremely pretty: solid wood built in a way that slides together like perfect puzzle pieces. The room is cute and cozy. After setting things up, we picked out a new plant for the window. it’s a pink dot begonia. it’s large and lovely but has t been hung yet. I would like to find a small shelf for books but it can wait until someone in the complex moves out/throws it out.

the book I’m reading is awful but easy enough to read. It’s Tomb Seven by Gene Snyder. I chose it because it was in the floor in the corner of the bedroom and because pulps tend to be fast easy reading. I’m about a quarter through it. I’m looking forward to the other books I have stacked on my side table but I thought reading something analogous to trash tv might be a healthy distraction for me right now.

He’s still sleeping. I should probably go, make coffee and wake him up. Maybe we can have one of those French pastries while we wait for boots to march this way.

I have been saying since 2024 that I think gen z is getting drafted. I sounded crazy then but it’s looking truer by the day. I think that’s going to be the underlying reason for pushing women out of combat positions: much like after WW2, we will need or rather America will need another baby boom. Young able bodied women cannot have babies if they are dead. Whoops. I wasn’t supposed to let my anxiety about the bigger picture infiltrate this post.

Well, the coffee isn’t going to make itself.

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Morning check in Jan. 5, 2025

2026-01-05T17:29:10Z

This morning has mostly been nice. I woke up at 5:30 lit the shrine, did the dishes, washed my face, feed the cats, walked the dog, woke up h, made coffee, photographed the sunrise, walked the dog once more, ate breakfast and sketched for about 20 minutes. I started this on New Year’s Eve which is when I determined I would like to stop buying canvases in favor of other mediums. I still have several canvases lying around though and I hate to waste things so I plan to use them somehow. I’m considering this specific piece a doodle which really frees up some room for creativity.

Update: I was staring at this beginning of a painting while drinking some tea and realized that I’ve copied some of this from a Salvador Dali painting of a camel. So, I’ll either have to rework it or (more likely) will need to spray this thing with a solvent to try again.

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Jan. 4, 2026 #2

2026-01-05T02:36:56Z

Today was lovely. H and I worked on hanging up things in the bedroom. We have afew more things left to hang but it looks so much better. We dropped off two large living room chairs at the thrift store then went for an impromptu trip to the French bakery and pick up a kouign amann each. Later we went to the art store. I’ve more or less decided I am going back to my mixed media dreamscapes on photopaper. I find a standard photo size to be very familiar and working with the reactions of that come with the paper make it more interesting for me. I have some ideas and I’m pretty excited to start executing them. We finally made it to the park as well, it was gorgeous there. Alfonzo had a good time meeting people and other (small) dogs. The sunset was very pretty (pictured) and I managed to get some additional photos for painting inspiration. I made tostadas for dinner. I was craving something Taco Bell adjacent minus the tummy ache.

We still need to give Alfonzo another walk, and we may play a couple games of rummy. I’m not sure what I want to do tomorrow… maybe I’ll sift through my art supplies for a selection to use. Often I find that helps me solidify ideas.

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January 4, 2025- clouds

2026-01-04T19:10:08Z

I’ve been lucky enough to see several gorgeous cloud formations today.

This one might be my favorite. To me, it looks like the head of a dragon.

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embracingcalm @ 2026-01-04T08:21:00

2026-01-04T15:40:33Z

He fixed the carpet. After a long drawn out fight that may have damaged our relationship we found a way to fix the issue…. He feels sad and humiliated. I feel like a complete jerk for hurting his feelings. Let us never speak of it again.

We walked Alfonzo right before bed. He’s a bit afraid of the dark so but I want to get him over it. I also walked him when I woke up sometime before 6am. He was slow and a bit stubborn but he made a go of it. I walked him back. I’m fine with that. He’s a Shihtzu… and sort of a small one at that. My phone died in the middle of taking a photo of this morning’s sunset but I still managed to get a neat photo to inspire a bit of art. I have made the inside turn of four granny squares with the yarn I’ve thrifted. It’s fairly soothing. I like it.

We plan to finish rearranging the bedroom today. There were several pieces of memorabilia we had in the front hall. When we first moved here those items in that placement helped to make it feel more like home but now it’s now needed. So, either plan to move them into the bedroom where we’ll enjoy them more.

We have two large-ish matching chairs in the living room that we’ve decided to remove in favor of floor seating. Currently the chairs mostly hold clothes or are occupied by pets. We tend to sit at the kitchen table. My eventual goal with that space once the chairs are gone is to add a handmade braided rag rug and some floor pillows. That way it will serve us better as an art space, micro dance hall and yoga studio. Having the center open will also improve acoustics when we have music on.

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embracingcalm @ 2026-01-03T17:17:00

2026-01-04T00:19:17Z

https://ibb.co/mF1TqNfG
https://ibb.co/5hWtLyrZ

Test

.

This is really bumming me out. lol

I’m using the same exact code as I used to insert my tea image a couple days ago.

Smh

Whatever. Regarding my goal of taking 53 sunrises I’m down to 52. These links include a couple photos of sunrises and a photo of a pretty cloud I saw on the way to the dump to drop off the boxspring.

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embracingcalm @ 2026-01-03T10:31:00

2026-01-03T17:42:15Z

I generally don’t clean my husband’s home office. I am in charge of the remainder of the house and have insisted that if he needs something done in there that he ask. He is not good at cleaning. Despite my offer he insists on cleaning his office which I learned today he allows the dog to pee in on pee pads. I was chatting with him while getting ready for the day while he was cleaning the carpet in his office when he… walked into the bathroom holding the toilet brush and rinsed the carpet cleaner off of it by sticking the brush in the toilet and flushing it repeatedly.

That’s how I learned that he has been cleaning the carpet in his office with a toilet brush for almost a year now. When I asked him about why he would use a toilet brush he said he just found the brush in the bathroom and assumed he was the only one using it. I guess he assumed that the toilets clean themselves when in fact it’s me cleaning them with that exact brush.

I try to be a loving compassionate and understanding person but what the fuck? I am so disgusted and sort of hurt. I have an autoimmune disorder. I can’t have people spreading literal human shit and bacteria from the toilet into my living space.

How in the world could a normal adult human think that is appropriate?

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January 2, 2025

2026-01-02T16:05:30Z

I’m happy to report that switching the box spring out for our tatami mats and shikibuton really improved my sleep last night. In fact, I managed to sleep in late.

We didn’t have time to totally rearrange the room by the time the carpet was dry post carpet cleaning. So, we just plopped it all on the floor where the western style bed was sitting. As such, I plan to take a significant potion of the day fixing the chaos we couldn’t manage last night.

I’ve decided that for painting I need to move back to boards and photo paper. I just don’t care for canvases I think. Nothing ends up as smooth as I want and any reductive work gets… sort of gritty when I use certain solvents. I’m not sure why I started with canvases again. I think maybe it was due to an increase in monetary resources. In my 20s when I had less access pressboard was cheap then later when I could afford canvases I switched, my art suffered and until now I didn’t really take the time to realize it might be a preference issue.

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January 1st 2026

2026-01-02T03:36:30Z

I was reviewing my goal list for this year and for the most part I think it’s doable… except making 100 sheets of paper. I have some experience paper-making but in order to make that much I need quite a bit of plant matter. I still haven’t gotten down growing things here, and my 2025 garden was very sad. The higher elevation, drier climate and significantly shorter grow season is hard compared to where I had been growing things with ease in the Great Plains. I do plan to grow sunflowers, which make good pulp but I don’t want to count on it so I think it’s prudent to remove my paper goal and revisit it another year after I learn how to grow things here. First steps first.

Today started off bumpy but ended up okay. We went thrifting. I found some lamb fur moccasins, a scarf that looks like an anemone, and some yarn for my granny square project. We also working on rearranging the bedroom. The boxspring mattress is hurting my back so we have resolved to set up the tatami mats and shikibuton instead. We had pizza for lunch and he had a bowl of cottage cheese and an avocado for dinner. I didn’t eat dinner. I felt aort of off but I’ll probably have something light before bed.

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Maybe it would be a good idea to set some goals for the year.

2025-12-31T23:06:16Z

After a bit of thought, I've recanted. I think it might be best for me to make some concrete goals for the coming year. This one was so hectic I barely did any reading or made any art. There were also plenty of things I wanted to do and could have done but didn't. Sure I made it through, but I think if next year is going to be more of the same maybe some challenge would help support my mental health.

So, with all that in mind, here is a list of goals for 2026.

Go to Crystal Lake
Finish 25 paintings/mixed media pieces
Take a photo of 58 sunrises
Complete 100 hours of yoga/pilates
Read 25 books
Go Kayaking 15 times
Collect fresh water from the fresh snowmelt in late spring
Grow Marigolds, Sunflowers, Sweetgrass, and Kale
Go on 17 hikes
Buy a bike
Make 100 pieces of paper
Write 1k words (poetry)
Make 12 desserts/sweets
Get my nose pierced
Complete 2 rugs
Make 1 granny square dress using thrifted yarn
Go to 5 local concerts
Make 10 new linocuts
Go with my husband and dog to the park 53 times
Have 6 picnics
Make 1 plein air painting
Complete 5 sewing projects

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It's sort of a lot. I think that might be good though. The pressure was all external in 2025 maybe some internal pressure will help me feel I have some small degree of control.

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2025 summarized + 2026 Survival Plan

2025-12-31T19:55:20Z

It’s the last day of 2025 and for me it’s been a mixed bag.

My 19 year old cat Virgo Valentine passed away, I was very ill in spring due to a missed miscarriage which was not detected for over a month, an allergic reaction to hair dye resulted in me needing to shave my head, I finished very few art projects, my husband and I got Covid for the second time… all that against the back drop of the second Trump presidency and all that has come with it.

However, I also moved with my husband to this gorgeous new state where the changes in environmental factors have allowed me some relief from my MCAS symptoms. Quitting all streaming services allowed me to discover new music and grow a nice CD collection. Plus, I got a new kitten (Diogenes), my spiritual base has deepened to include daily practice, my husband has remained a kind and lovely person, our patio has been visited by a multitude of animals thanks to a habit of putting out offerings and… well, honestly I just love it here so much. People here are kind to me and I feel thankful for what I have

I have a feeling that 2026 is going to be full of hardship on a national and global level, more so than typical year. I hope I’m wrong and miraculous things will happen that will turn everything around. If things keep on course, I don’t have a specific intention or idea of how to navigate what’s coming. I do have some ideas to guide me through though.

First, now that my symptoms have improved to the extent that I’m no longer sick every time I try to eat, I need to retrain myself to eat enough to nourish my body without the anxiety. Even though I no longer get sick after eating, I’m still afraid I might be which has made me avoidant and a bit malnourished. I'm also going to intentionally limit the amount of news I take in and instead try to use that time for reading going on walks doing creative work, and doing whatever else helps me feel calm. Also, I want to make an effort to really show my husband and the animals that they are important to me by doing extra little things and giving my undivided attention whenever I can.

I guess the plan is to just take care of myself and those I love at the most basic level.

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Tea Leaves For a New Year

2025-12-30T22:16:37Z

I don’t attempt to read tea leaves often, so I’m not particularly sure I’m an expert. I certainly don’t do them often for myself. The last time I did was election night. It was quite easy to find a T and an Aries sign. Which is a bit spooky if you don’t think about it or if you really allow yourself to think of it as some sort of divination. Really it’s just a meditative tool to help you extrapolate your hopes and fears. I started thinking about this last week (maybe last month?) sometime after reading about the Baba Vanga World Cup 2026 alien prophecy. Which, if you haven’t been down there already, is quite a fun little rabbit hole, sensationalism or not.

So, what did this cup say about my upcoming year? That little lump at the bottom lies between the area of sorrow and hate and it points up to that big mass at the top corner which is associated with contentment. When you read tea leaves you spiral from the bottom clockwise letting you mind draw associations between shapes and the zones they lie in. For the most part, this cup lacks shapes but the distribution of these tea leaves falls on mostly on areas which symbolize simple aspects of life that bring happiness or at least make it more comfortable: beauty, wealth, love, honor, fidelity, art, generosity, endurance etc… with very few of the bad sections speckled with tea at all. To me, that says that the worst struggles in 2026 for me, will be concerning issues of hate and sorrow but that I will be given plenty of chances to create contentment through the good things in life like love, friendship and helping others.

Of course, like I said, that’s just how my hopes and fears are reflected through this cup of tea if I take the time to stare at it and think about life for long enough but it's enough to help me feel a bit better.

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First entry

2025-12-30T18:39:50Z

I’m not sure what to write in my first entry here and I’m a bit apprehensive. I predominately need a place to do some daily journaling about my rather mundane life and eventually post some art progress, ramble about my cd collection (which focuses on genres that most people consider boring), share some creative writing and post photos from day to day life. My search for a place to do this safely, while avoiding billionaire owned companies and edgelords has been… frustrating at best. Places that have algorithms feel a bit toxically rage baited and many other non algorithmic areas tend to only appreciate female presence if it remains open to objectification. Hopefully this will be an okay space for me. I would really like to connect to some likeminded people.

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