Resisting dread, cleaning up, and making space for something sacred

[embracingcalm]

Fair warning, I'm not sure if it's appropriate to post these personal blogcentric posts to 3weeks4dreamwidth or not but since I'm using the event to effectively use the platform more/further explore it I have chosen to do just that. Let me know if it's taboo somehow.

I expect this post will be a bit of a ramble. Even more likely, all my posts will be a bit of a ramble. At least, until I manage to get over the anxiety of actually letting myself get out my thoughts. The world has become so judgmental, or at least it seems that way when you've spent a significant amount of time in certain online spaces. I deleted those spaces from my phone which should be good for me. I'm not built for the pace and density of societal trauma bombing over there. I understand the world is messed up and I do the things I can to support positive change but I can't take in constant dread particularly at that speed and density. If I try it effects my sleep then I can't eat, I become despondent and obsessive, I cry constantly, I'm moody with my husband, I take my dog on fewer walks, I slowly begin to only take in coffee and milk and just... become very vulnerable. Anyway, as I said, that shouldn't be as much of an issue anymore.

I'm having "lady troubles" today but I would still like to get something substantial done. My house is a mess from me being ill and depressed. I'm hoping an upcoming thyroid app[ointment will help resolve the underlying issues but for now, the state of the house has become the issue. There's truly so much to do that I'm having a hard time knowing what to start with.

The thing that has been bothering me most is definitely the placement of my shrine. Currently it is located above my art work space and is a mess which isn't acceptable. You would think moving it would be simple but it's actually quite the little puzzle. It should be on the Northeast corner of the bottom floor but that's where the fridge is located in my home. The second floor northeast corner would be good too... but that's the bedroom and you aren't supposed to put the shrine in your bedroom. If I lived alone, I would put it in a hallway. I'm a rather petite woman and find that a hallway is plenty wide for a small side table with a statue and two candles but my husband is, by my account a bit clumsy and seems to think all hallways should be completely clear. Then we have a long vintage entertainment cabinet with two mural sized painting's behind it along our downstairs east wall a large patio door and my cd collection on the south side and finally my art area and stairwell against the west side room. If you can think of any other space imagine it filled with hung art so dense I can't place my devotional painting.

The point being, I'm full up. What started as maximalism has turned into a bit of a problem which seems to happen when people get sick. I just didn't quite expect it to happen to me. Silly.

hmmm... I'm glad I've typed this all out. I think in doing so I've come up with a solution: I have two ukuleles hung in the northeast corner of my living room with some plants beside it creating a partition between the living room space and the kitchen. My poof already lives in that area. I could place the shrine there. It's really the best and maybe the only solution.

Of course, right now that area has a stack of boxes in it full of art supplies that I haven't put away yet... which is a problem unto itself and if I think too much about it I won't even start moving.

Hey look at that I got myself all worked up again.

I think the best solution here might be for me to just go do it. Maybe I'll take some before and after photos and share them to celebrate the small win. Maybe when I'm finished I'll check on here for a cleaning or organizational community since getting my entire house under control is going to be essential for me to continue feeling better mentally.

Okay. gtg. Thanks for reading. Hope you're well.

*update - here’s a before and after of the space. I’m really happy with it. It's a good spot for me to continue my morning meditations (which I’ve been missing) and it only took about a half hour to make a huge change.

Comments

Thoughts

[ysabetwordsmith]

>>Fair warning, I'm not sure if it's appropriate to post these personal blogcentric posts to 3weeks4dreamwidth or not but since I'm using the event to effectively use the platform more/further explore it I have chosen to do just that.<<

It's totally fine. The core of the event is just posting to DW every day. All the other stuff is whatever individual bloggers added for fun. I'm tagging all my posts, at least the ones I remember. Most are just my usual stuff; only the book list posts are part of my Three Weeks theme for this year.

>>The world has become so judgmental, or at least it seems that way when you've spent a significant amount of time in certain online spaces. <<

It's not just online, although that is a hotbed of such behavior. Intolerance waxes and wanes over time; it's high now and you can see that around the world.

>> I deleted those spaces from my phone which should be good for me.<<

Sensible.

You might watch for areas that are more friendly. Last time we went up to Amish territory, a random stranger struck up a pleasant conversation over lunch, and a lady invited us to look at her baby chicks. There are a couple other towns we like to visit as much for the atmosphere as their actual events -- places that feel welcoming even without actually knowing many of the locals.

>> I understand the world is messed up and I do the things I can to support positive change <<

I have my own activities, but it's nice to connect with other people's efforts for bigger impact too. Grand Prairie Friends is a local one we belong to and its holdings are up over 1000 acres. Douglas-Hart is smaller but has three locations now, one of which is doing more evening events at times we can actually catch. I also love watching videos from some crowdfunded restoration groups, Mossy Earth and Planet Wild. Whatever your worthy causes are, you might look for activities you could join or watch. Because ... what if everyone did that? The world would be a much better place.

>> The point being, I'm full up. What started as maximalism has turned into a bit of a problem <<

If you're feeling crowded, you might look at stuff and ask if you're done with any of it. Do you currently adore all your art, or is some of it stuff you've gotten tired of and could turn loose for someone else to love? Clothes that no longer fit? Furniture that suited a previous place but not this one? More duplicates of anything, beyond what you'd need as backup or for grunge uses? Anything that just seems to get in the way?

We have lots of art and other stuff. So when we're out shopping, we've started asking "Where would we put it?" for things where that is not obvious. Another good one is, "Would I prefer to use this new thing or one of my old things, if I had both?" A rule for events is that we walk around looking at everything before buying anything, except for quest items or food. This not only optimizes spending money, it prevents impulse buys of things we don't care enough to go back for. These are the kind of tactics that are easy to pass around among friends, or people in an online group.

>>Maybe when I'm finished I'll check on here for a cleaning or organizational community since getting my entire house under control is going to be essential for me to continue feeling better mentally.<<

Looks like you already found do_it. awesomeers offers support for whatever people have accomplished, any task, any size, no goals required. goals_on_dw is for all kinds of goal-setting activity. It has lots of resources, plus check-in posts weekly in January and monthly later in the year. 101in1001 is a numbers-based challenge, good for breaking big goals into small steps.

I've also got a Wednesday rotation of Good News / Hard Things / Cuddle Party so folks in my audience can support each other with whatever's going on for them.

Re: Thoughts

[embracingcalm]

Thanks for all the help!

I'm really thankful to have moved to a very welcoming town. There are often tons of people at the park and just out in general. Most of the people I've met here are really awesome and kind. The place I lived before was the opposite and it's taking some time for me to adjust. There's also a veil being online a lot creates. It makes you a bit scared to interreact due to the reinforcement of judgement. It's something I need to work on.

Regarding the mess that the house has become: You know it's interesting, we actually have less furniture than the average household as I find things like sofas and upholstered chairs hurt my back but I like to do things and we live in a small space. For example, I see people with spotless minimal kitchens and am jealous until I learn that they mostly order in whereas I cook three meals almost every singler day from scratch. The amount of ingredients and cookware I need to do so takes up space but it's not like I can just get rid of them because I won't and can't change my lifestyle to theirs. Like wise, my clothes take up a ton of space but that's because I prefer dresses with volume and do a ton of layering. In the same vein I have lots of art and craft supplies... but I also work on painting, stop animation, quilting, fashion, and a ton of other projects. If I get rid of these things I can't persue my projects but we also don't have a space large enough for me to have a dedicated studio room like we used to since my husband now works from home and needed the space for his home office.

It sucks but when his home office moved into my art studio it displaced everything and created a situation where both all my art supplies and all the houses books have been shoved into totes and jammed into wherever they'll go making both categories of things basically unusable. Frankly, I hope that soon we either upgrade to a space where I can have a studio again or that he finds an in office job because I'm not really willing to throw away the things I should be using when I sit down to do creative work.

[snowazalea]

Wow! What a great transformation of your space.

[goodbyebird]

No worries, any writing that stays exclusively on DW for the three weeks is very welcome in the event feed <3

That looks like such a lovely space!

[flamingsword]

Is that a marmalade cat butt I see poking out from behind your poof? 😻 Yay, Kitty!

And it sounds, over the last few posts I’ve seen, like you are conquering the mess that the takeover of your art space has created. I know of some YouTube channels for home organizing, Clutterbug is so helpful, but nothing here in a largely textual format. I think for a lot of stuff, you really do have to see it.

I hope you get better physical and mental health to support this transformation.

[embracingcalm]

For me, it seems like the biggest problem besides my health over the last year is setting up spaces with my real habits and imitations in mind.

I wrote about this earlier then set it to private because I chose to fix a different area but my art desk is a good example. I have a high top table as a desk because artists have desks they work at… except I never work at it. I work at the table, on the floor, outside, on my bed. I never paint at a desk. So naturally it becomes storage.

I’ve been trying to go through honestly. I have a lot of things I’d like to do this year and a messy space isn’t conducive to my productivity or mental health.

[flamingsword]

Understanding how we use our bodies and spaces is so important, though to some degree is a matter of trial and error. Don’t blame yourself for not knowing in advance stuff that everyone has to learn experientially?

It also sounds like you might be dealing with some executive dysfunction? It’s a symptom more common in folks with ADHD, but lots of depressed people get it during depressive episodes. I know I do.

https://youtu.be/jex_NcCJw_E <— seriously, check out Clutterbugs YouTube if you’re a video person at all. She breaks complex stuff down in simple ways, and doesn’t try to make you do things that take extra steps to get use out of your stuff. I’m not ADHD, but her guides on simplifying for brains with executive functioning difficulties are freaking awesome. She also gives you permission to forgive yourself for the reasons why your house is messy, and doesn’t pretend that a messy house is a reflection of your worth like a lot of cleaning channels I’ve looked at. 😕😒😤

[embracingcalm]

I’ve been evaluated and I don’t have adhd. I do have a significant amount of (forgive me if this is triggering) CSA trauma and that has led to be being excessively anxious and unable to focus or sleep due to the news.

I don’t use youtube anymore due to a variety of issues or I would certainly check it out.

I really am doing okay at this on my own though. I just have to fix months worth of build up from my depression.

Also, just jump the gun. No I can’t take meds for my depression due to an autoimmune illness most psyche meds make me very ill (projectile vomiting).

I just have to give myself time, avoid triggers/set aside time to deal with potentially traumatic news, and take time for lots of walks.

As I’ve mentioned a couple times, I have an apointme t to get my thyroid looked at this week. I’m showing lots of signs of hypothyroid so there’s a chance that’s been contributing to my low mood. With any hope some hormones will help.

[flamingsword]

I am not triggered and it’s so shitty that that stuff ever happens to anyone. Nobody deserves that, and I’m sorry that it happened to you.

I can take antipsychotic mood stabilizers but not anything that messes with serotonin- for the same nauseating reason! Brains, what are you even.

Good luck with the thyroxine! I have a best friend who is never warm enough, even taking it, and gets depression too bc their doctor won’t adjust their dosage (rural doctor, who doesn’t stay up to date on the literature). So I know how hard it can be to get a mediocre doctor to listen to you when you are depressed, when it’s even harder to advocate for yourself. If you want help at all with scripts, feel free to DM me and we can workshop what to say to your care providers? My sister and some of my friends are nurses, so I’ve seen this song and dance that you sometimes have to do to get proper medical care. It may be tiresome to think of, but if your anxiety flares up around it, it can feel better to be prepared. LMK.

[embracingcalm]

Thank you so much for the offer. The doctor moved my appointment up several months. So I’m pretty sure she’s serious about it. I’ll have a blood draw today which should give some clarity. The main point of issue right now is that prior to my pregnancy, missed miscarriage and sepsis recovery last year my symptoms looked different. So, I might be experiencing some sort of temporary postpartum related thyroiditis that has caused a temporary (12 month) blip or a more permanent change.

There are several family history issues and personal medical history issues to consider as well which I wrote about and then edited out.

So… I don’t know we’ll see either way. I’m scared but I’ll be here as long as I’m here and I’m okay with that.

[flamingsword]

All of the luck, and the offer stands (except for the first two week of June, when I will be moving, and not on the internet much).